1. Coaches coach; players play; and officials officiate.  Players and coaches in particular can run into trouble when they try to assume a different role.
2. For players, encourage and cheer on your teammates both on the field and on the bench.  For coaches, encourage and instruct your players on the field and on the bench. For both players and coaches, speaking to officials is limited to polite questions and no arguing.  Speaking to opposing players and coaches is limited to giving encouragement and acknowledging good play.
3. Keep in mind that the goal of competition is to play the game well, to honor yourselves, and to honor your opponent.  Don’t confuse or substitute these objectives with a goal of simply winning a contest.

I’m sure there is more that could be added (I haven’t even addressed sportsmanship from a fan’s perspective), but concise is sometimes better.  I look forward to and will continue to work towards the day when it can be even less wordy and simply be, “Honor the game, yourself, and others.”

What are your thoughts on sportsmanship? COMMENT

I’ll have to wait to see if my students are as enamored by the eno boards as I am.  The early results so far seem to be that they are less impressed.  Maybe that is a good thing because as great as the technology is and as helpful as it can be, my experience is that a large part of learning still comes down to focused effort on a book, on solving a problem, or on seeing a project through from beginning to end.  Perhaps they have already figured out that no matter how engaging the presentation is, their education still has to be earned by them through their own work and effort.  As we have all probably heard our parents say at one time or another, “There are no short cuts.”

I’m confident the students in my class will work hard this year and earn their education by doing so, and I’ll have a bit more fun with the new boards.  Sounds like a win-win to me.

After being accepted by Hyde School and from the actual date we were dropping off our son at the Woodstock, CT campus, time dragged. There was a lot to do to get him ready as far as packing etc., but it played out in slow motion for me. His behavior seemed to escalate, and I wonder now if it was from his fear of something out of his control happening or was he feeding off our nervousness. We chose the Woodstock, CT campus for a few reasons, the biggest being that I work on the Bath campus, and we definitely needed to be separated in order to grow and the other reason being his buddies were in Bath and would surely come to his rescue if ever called upon. And so, our son went to a couple weeks of the August Orientation program before starting the regular school year. Dropping him off went well until it came time for us to leave. My husband wanted to do it quick, but I was dragging my feet in a big way. Tears were threatening, and I was getting big-time cold feet, but a very kind faculty member turned me toward our vehicle and told me to remember that “I am not responsible for his happiness.” WHAT?

How could a moment of clarity hit me right then? Particularly a moment of clarity that I did not want at that time? The four-hour ride home was spent pretty much in silence. My husband and I were so deep in our own thoughts that we just didn’t talk. That comment kept playing over and over in my mind. I guess I have always thought I WAS responsible for my children’s happiness, but really I wasn’t. So, now I have two big issues for me – finding out who I was other than a wife and mom and finding my own happiness, too. Seemed like a very big task to me, and I could see no beginning.

A couple of weeks went by, and we would hear from our son sporadically. That beginning time was difficult for both our son and us. He would fluctuate from liking it to hating it. Our son chose to run away, which I never thought would happen, since he didn’t even know where he was in the world pretty much. My husband and I soon realized that in order to “really” help our son (and us, too), we needed to stand firm with our decision to embrace all that we could learn from Hyde School. So, our motto every single time our son ran away (and there were a few times) was “We will not come get you, and you cannot come home.” We just said it the first few times but soon stood behind these words 100%. We distanced ourselves from him and let Hyde School handle it, but he so needed to learn how destructive his behavior was to himself. I need to interject something here – it was at this time we learned that the words “faculty and staff” do not begin to cover the enormous capacity of the Hyde School folks. Not only did they deal with his atrocious behavior, but after it was over they opened their hearts and homes to him. They encouraged him in ways that were truly giving and empowering. Until you see these folks at work, I can’t begin to explain just how much they give to our students at Hyde School. They hold no grudges and truly care about the students. They want to see our children excel and they are not shocked by the speed bumps that accompany a teen’s growth. My husband and I are truly amazed and forever grateful to see this in motion. It makes the parents’ journey through Hyde School easier.

Each time our son goes through a rough patch, those quiet words of wisdom reach out to me “I am not responsible for his happiness.” A calm comes over me, and I know we are right where we were meant to be.

]]> http://www.hyde.edu/2010/01/22/blogs/a-moment-in-time-3/feed/ 0 http://www.hyde.edu/2010/01/08/blogs/a-moment-in-time-2/ http://www.hyde.edu/2010/01/08/blogs/a-moment-in-time-2/#comments Fri, 08 Jan 2010 21:26:57 +0000 http://www.hyde.edu/?p=5093 The second installment from guest blogger Susie Chubbuck:

A moment of clarity is not always a pleasant experience; as a matter of fact, it can be downright unpleasant, but at that exact moment in time, you know something so much clearer than before.

As a Hyde School staff member, I am aware that the Hyde process starts with an interview. This was my family’s next step since we decided to give this venture a try. My husband and I were a bit nervous and my son was as well (though he didn’t let us know it at the time). I did approach a few co-workers at Hyde to see if they could give me some insight on the whole interview process, but I got nothing, absolutely nothing that I could use to prepare my family for the interview.

I can see now why the interview is not something that could be explained very well. Every interview is unique to the family and their situation.

The person doing the interview asks some very good questions, first of the student to get some basic facts down, what’s going right, what’s going wrong, etc…. then a few strategic questions to each parent to see where they are, both from their point of view and the student’s as well.

The interview seemed to be going well, I guess, until at one point, the question directed to me was “If you take away work and your children, what do you do for just you?” I surely did open my mouth, but nothing came out. If I were going to be completely honest, I couldn’t come up with a single thing that I did just for me. I have a great job which I take a lot of pride in, and my life revolves around my children so cooking, cleaning, being a mom, taxi, etc…. was what I came up with. But that was not what the question asked. So, I grew a bit uncomfortable and found myself in a bit of a snit. After it was obvious that I was not coming up with an answer anytime soon, the interview process moved on. But, that question was first and foremost in my mind. Was that true? Did I really do nothing JUST for me? How had that happened? And this was my moment of clarity! Not a pleasant moment, but a moment none the less.

We did end up being accepted by Hyde School which is both a feeling of “great help has arrived” and a feeling of “shoot, this is now out of my hands.” We, as a family, had made a decision together that this was a journey we all needed to make and no matter the consequences, we all needed the experience that Hyde School has and provides to other parents and students every day. And so our journey truly begins.

And so, he arrived home and it was complete and utter chaos and anger for the next hour or two. As my husband and I were sitting there, we looked at one another and he said “Susie, we need some serious help”. Hard to believe this moment of clarity hit us at this moment but it did. The next day, I spoke to a few key people at Hyde School (which I had never considered before because I believed we could handle this). This talk was so enlightening and they were not shocked at his bad behavior. They asked some big questions that really made us stop and think. So that day we started upon our Hyde journey. We have not looked back nor regretted our decision to embark on a family adventure with Hyde School. We knew it was not going to be easy or magically solve all our issues overnight, but we were willing to hand over the parenting reins that we had been trying that was not working to learn new things and give our family the second chance we felt we deserved.

This reminded me of a phone call I received earlier this fall from a local soccer referee who had recently worked a game at Hyde. It was a fiercely played match between the men’s JV team and a local school. With the score tied and only minutes left to play, the opposing team centered a ball in front of the Hyde net and a hand shot up and batted the ball down. The ref blew the whistle, awarding a free kick to the opposing team. This set off protestations from some of the Hyde players that it was the other team who had hit the ball. (Being a fan close to the action, I knew this was true, but only after a Hyde player had first hit the ball illegally). The offending Hyde player told his teammates that the call was correct. The referee was calling me to applaud the Hyde player for playing with integrity and being honest with his teammates.

Thinking back on this now, a few things occur to me. First, I do not remember for sure who won the game, even though I was there, but I definitely remember that Tyrone Freston was the player in question, and probably will remember him for quite awhile. Second, while I appreciated the call from the ref, Tyrone was doing what I would expect any Hyde athlete to do. Third, what Tyrone did was not extraordinary, it was simply honest and honored the integrity of the game. Finally, I wonder who regrets their decision more: Mr. Henry or Tyrone?

And now for the best part: How will the players and coaches respond to their near wins and losses? Do they get a bit cocky over a win that could have easily been a loss? Do they pack it in after a disappointing loss that should have been a win? Do they assess their progress as athletes and as a team solely on the game result or on their commitment to improve and work their hardest? My guess is it will take a few weeks to see what the real impact of this weekend’s games truly is.

Somewhere along the line, though, the lessons Marcus learned while at Hyde and from his family (both his mother and grandmother were involved in the family program) began to rise to the surface and become part of his daily living. Having spent time with Marcus during the weekend, I would even venture to say that one of his greatest strengths now is his ability and willingness to be honest with himself and others. The other aspect of his character that Marcus shared with us is his willingness and commitment to “finish.” I doubt Marcus even thought about this or that he was setting a great example for all of us, and that makes it even better. He was just doing the right thing and not quitting until it got done right. Thanks Marcus and congratulations.

My assumption is that my experience is similar to that of most teachers, especially those of us who teach at Hyde. So much of what we talk about with students, and experience and share with them, takes time to be fully appreciated and understood. I think sometimes only with added life experience- both successes and challenges, triumphs and disappointments- does their Hyde education really gain its full meaning, context, and utility. With alums rolling in for Homecoming Weekend as I sit here and write this, I will be listening intently to hear from them how their education has worked in the ensuing years since graduation. I trust that those rookie teachers will also listen intently and gain some comfort in knowing that 10 or 15 years down the road, that fidgety sophomore who was in their classes will be returning and saying how much they learned from them at 15.

For me, the answer in this case is to host the middle schoolers and work towards having a day of learning for all involved. Community service, athletics, and performing arts, I believe, need to be co-curricular, not extra-curricular, with academics. I trust, based on conversations with graduates from both the recent past as well as from 20+ years ago, that these activities are as essential to one’s success and enjoyment in life as is academic achievement. As more and more students and parents push for advanced courses (it seems some students want to finish their first year of college before they graduate high school!), it becomes more difficult to resist the urge to curtail or eliminate the other aspects of the high school experience. The pitfall in doing so is that academic challenges are only one avenue through which to develop one’s character, and many students need multiple avenues to learn about themselves and the world in which they live. And since education needs to prepare students for life, not just college, we need to give them opportunities to develop their character and as well as their intellect.

The second thing is students “turning themselves in” to the Dean of Students for indiscretions unknown by the Dean or any other faculty member. In other words, the student got away with it, whatever it is, but decided to be truthful anyway. Why? The answer I hear more than any other is, “I knew it was the wrong thing to do, and I’ve thought about it more days than not since. I just don’t want to be carrying that around anymore, especially since I want to have a great year.” I admire these students more than I can say. (My next entry will be about the parent who “turned herself in,” which I also admire greatly.) Different situation than the first one, but my conclusion is the same: Students want to have honest, genuine relationships with each other and with adults, and will do so when given the opportunity.

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